The Need

I gave up this morning. Just for a minute. I hit a wall so hard the sky began to shake and God looked down at me. I felt badly. I had people waiting, a two hour PT appointment then nutrition and more. But I could not move my self. The world had spun so fast for so long that the gravity sucked me into the covers of my bed.

Not since I was a child who couldn't face a day at school have I felt so defiant - that obligations could not win. I had to cancel my day. I had to stop. As strong as I have become because of all I have done, my body quit on me. And my mind swiftly followed into the grey.

My friend Susan stared in awe from her side of the room. Bewildered as to how I stopped the ride we were on. The trip she made to help me stuttered in its purpose. She was here to take me to appointments. The appointments I could not raise my head to make.

Sometimes decisions are made with no logic in tow. When every ounce of your being says no. I could not explain to my friend except to cry in my hands. I was done in that moment in time. And the best thing I did was accept my own defeat and do what was best for me.

I am now home for the weekend. The sofa coils my legs as Reggie's neck blankets my feet. The world did not collapse. It still spun to the rhythm of too many wheels turning in minds too busy to slow.

Next week I will near the end of this portion of my recovery. The pain is just about managed. Now we will focus on mobility and the why behind it all. But for this weekend I press the pause. I will breathe in my children's chaos and marvel at my husband's new handle bar mustache. At how I am not the only one enduring change. He will wrap me in his arms, kneeling down to me. I am getting better at loving him from my chair. And he is getting used to seeing me as though it isn't there. And I realize as time marches on, even though this is not the life we chose to lead, it will be worth the days like today when I thought I could not go on. Because today I chose to listen when my body had a need.