Finding Meaning In It All

I may never be the same. But it is my job now to find the beauty in the change. Some may see my condition as a tragedy. It is my choice to see it as a gift. But that doesn't mean it will be easy.

I have experienced a cry so deep it has no sound. When life places its palm over your mouth as your tears fall down its hand. This cry is reserved for moments you wish that God could hear. Because no one else could fix what's wrong. But God.

I had that cry on Tuesday morning. An aching for normalcy in my bones. I have forgotten what normalcy is like. Perhaps God does that on purpose; He removes the memory of what life was like before it changed. So you won't miss what is no longer there.

I often wonder what my life will be like in the future. But I never ask why it changed. It isn't something I need to know. All I need to know is how to accept the life that is. And that can only happen with time.

Life is not easy now. But has it ever been easy? Life is not normal, but has normal ever been good? I ask myself, wasn't it always my hope to connect with others on a more meaningful level? Didn't I wish to visit with friends and discuss the beauty and conflict of the human condition? To ponder the meaning of it all? To see the goodness in mankind that is so rarely mentioned in the news? So now that I have everything I wished for, it would seem unfortunate to push it all away, just because it happened differently than I had planned. Through the loss of mobility, I have settled into a peace that licks my wounds. It holds my heart as it calms and whispers that someday I will understand it all.

I do know working with injured has prepared me to know that life does go on. I've seen it over and over again. But I also know that no magic wand exists to make it all better right away. Every day brings with it a new awareness of self and its place in the world. How we are constantly evolving together and learning from one another. Sometimes it's through other people's trials that we learn the most.

I do know that because of this challenge, I am closer than ever to friends whose lives have been affected by this too. I have learned that we all yearn for meaning and crave a glimpse of what truly matters in this world. Loving one another. We have tightened the bonds that hold us together.

I have faith there is a purpose to this, because I feel it all around me. And I can sense it too. Even in the silence of a cry - that only God can hear.