Table For Two
Saturday, August 24, 2013 at 1:37AM We sat at a table for two. The cucumber salad slid and crunched. Slid and crunched. Eating is interesting when you try not to choke on your thoughts. On what Monday could bring.
A lot goes through one's mind when facing a possible diagnosis - again. This time it might be ALS or a similar Motor Neuron Disease. It's like a view from a roller coaster. A repeated blur of imagery that turns your stomach on its side. Especially when it's black and white.
I am hoping Monday isn't black. That light flickers in and the doctor shakes his head in a way I'd prefer.
Right now I cannot sleep because my heart is riding a wind it cannot deflect. Life is surreal. As though angels have built a forcefield around my heart; Protecting me until we know what the neurologist has to say.
I said the words out loud. The what-ifs a husband should never hear. When his eyes swell with a future of emptied thoughts. Of one pillow on his bed.
I accidentally suck my soda through the paper wrapping left on top of the straw. An attempt at sterilizing our meal. A straining of carbonated words I cannot say. The table tips with un-leveled heels. The perfect setting for such a meal. We smile through the moment. Grateful for a pause in what we know. That Monday means too much.
We pay the check. He wheels me out. I look up. He looks down. His lips are mine. I love their shape. His chin. His jaw. I fall up into his eyes. He says he cannot lose me. My chest pulls to his heart. I answer that I do not want to be lost. Our hands fold into one another on the way to the car. We can live with this - the chair. But not an empty one. Not that.
We are in the eye of a storm we thought had passed. But no matter what the doctor may say, we will one day look back in awe - at when our life was left in balance at an un-leveled table for two.
Reader Comments (2)
Micaela - this was and is so beautiful. I am so very sorry for the anguish you are facing. I am here for you if you need anything. I will be waiting to hear and be ready to support you regardless... xo
I learned once learned when fear thinking about what if could be changed to "fear is not truth" and that helped enormously. Maybe you'll find that might help with your thought too so you can enjoy your Sunday.
Warmest and all the good wishes I can wish.